Fear and Tears

    This pregnancy has been scary for me.  I have no idea why I have this fear deep inside of me that is constantly making me fearful of my new babies life but it is there.  Every night before I fall asleep I listen to Jason breathing and I hold my belly and pray over and over again to bless this baby.  I am pleading with Heavenly Father because I am scared.  I have been to the doctor's and everything is normal and there is really no need for concern.  We have heard the heartbeat twice and it always sounds strong and good, we have seen an ultrasound of the baby at 9 weeks and there really is one in there, but at night alone with my thoughts I get so scared.
    Last night I came across a blog about a woman who had a stillborn daughter and it broke my heart as a mother I couldn't imagine the heart ache and loss someone would feel saying goodbye to their child.  The amount of fear I felt was overwhelming so I was laying in bed when Jason came in and asked, "Are you okay?" and I lost it.  "No I am not okay. I am so scared Jason" and I just cried on him for a while.  I don't know where this fear is coming from or why I can't make it just go away but it is constantly on my mind, nagging my thoughts.
    When I was pregnant with Elliot I had a lot of scares.  At 7 weeks I had light bleeding and went to the ER and was told that I had a 75% chance of miscarriage and I quote to "not get attached".  The doctor did this as a guess might I add, there was no blood work done and there was no pelvic exam either so how he came to this conclusion I have ZERO idea.  Any way I went home and slept for two days I was attached I loved this baby already I didn't know him but I knew who I wanted him to be and it wasn't gone.  The entire pregnancy there was a lot of anger and fighting within my family about my life and what was going on.  I won't go into details but either way I was incredibly stressed out the entire time.  By my third trimester I was going to the doctor's twice a week because Elliot's heartbeat was irregular and we cut caffeine out of my diet and continued going.  Finally I was induced, swelled up to the size that by the time everything was over the nurses said to me, "Oh good the swelling is going down!  We were so worried it wouldn't" uhhhh thanks.  Elliot came into the world via c-section and was beautiful and healthy.

    I don't know where my fear in this pregnancy is stemming from.  I just want it to go away because honestly the fear wakes me up at night.  Of course I often have a great time with the pregnancy and don't allow the fear to creep in.  Just at night when everyone is asleep I can't think of anything else.  So here is to hoping I am just being emotional and crazy. Plus luckily I have this beautiful face to see every day to remind that everything will be okay.